As is customary, Jyoti, my childhood friend, currently settled in the US called me on my birthday. We may not speak at all during the year, but we call each other religiously on our birthdays. After some small talk around the birthday and celebrations, we ended up chatting on family. She was curious to know how things were with the baby. After a while, I ended up asking about when she plans to go the family way. Typically I refrain from asking this question, as I think this is a very personal, but then – with some close people, you probably can (or so I guess) ! She had entered her 30s, was well settled in the US, was a homemaker and not too career oriented either- her response was- you know what, all my friends here seem to be dissuading me from that….what’s your view…?

In India, at least till the previous generation, having kids was an integral part of married life. In fact, in most traditional families, people would start asking (“ab good news kab suna rahey ho”) within a couple of years of marriage. But things are changing. Many of my peers and friends are asking themselves, whether we really need kids in our life and why? In general, I am a believer of questioning things- quite often it helps getting to newer and better ways of doing things and if not anything else, it gives one a certain clarity of purpose.

Without getting into philosophical or religious views on this, let me share my views based on experiences from my life and those of people around me. Let me also say that as is true of most things in life, the right answer to all questions, as my friends from the consulting world would agree is “it depends..”.  Things are too situational, and there is no right answer ! Whether you like it or not, life is a shade of grey (which of the fifty, I do not know). Also, my views are from a male perspective. It is quite likely that females would have a different view and I am not qualified to comment on that.

At the outset, let me start by saying that it is very difficult to describe the feelings associated with having a baby. In some ways, it is a graduation of sorts in real life- an arrival into responsibility-getting your hands dirty, literally and otherwise. To quote a mathematics oriented friend, unlike our lives which move in a linear fashion (if at all), their lives change exponentially. There is something to look forward to in their case, almost every day.

Coming from the world of  investment banking, let me put it this ways, while I believe in the equity story of having a baby, like all such investments, this is subject to inherent risks. All that I am trying to do is to lay out the risks….different people have different risk appetites and whether to invest or not is clearly your decision!

So what changes for the man…..practically everything…here goes a shortlist..!

a)      The changes start from even before you have seen or felt the baby the first time- the moment the baby arrives in the mother’s womb. Suddenly, you have to take super duper care of your wife- she should not pick up anything heavy, not bend, you need to keep her happy and fulfill all wishes especially peculiar food cravings. Aunties you had forgotten existed will suddenly call you to tell how you need to go about the same. Multiple doctor visits will be required- and you better accompany her, lest she tell your kid later that your dad was not at all excited about your arrival !

b)      From being the most important person in the life of your wife (or at least, someone who matters quite significantly), you suddenly become almost insignificant. Clearly, the baby becomes most important. Then his/ her doctor. Then the maids. For a change, even the mother in law becomes important because she assists with the baby…..and you are important only to the extent that you help in chores relating to the baby.

c)      Not long before there was a time when you were welcomed with a smile on your return back home- now you are welcomed either by a crying baby or are asked to tip toe into your house like a thief, lest the sleeping one wakes up.

d)     From a situation where you were served hot food, in spite of your better half having returned from a hectic work schedule; now the default is- help yourself, and if you do not, may God help you. Even the maids realize you are no longer as important and stop giving priority to your requests.

e)      For the first time you realize that small things like an untimely sneeze or an innocent cough could make your baby squeal in surprise and cause a lot of external distress to you!

f)       If you thought your employer was too demanding, you will realize being a father is literally a 24*7 job. Your baby can chose to cry anytime, and unfortunately, it will. On the positive side, suddenly you will realize that your job was not as bad after all.

g)      However mature or responsible your wife is, she will panic on any signs of unusual behavior or even mild illness- and however much you may not like it, your kid will fall ill ! There will be complete mayhem- you will wake up whole night on your own, if you think it is a genuine case or she will ensure that you remain awake if she thinks that is required. Unfortunately, you will soon realize that “my kid kept me awake whole night” does not arouse any sympathy before your boss/ fellow colleagues after the second time.

A friend of mine, who manages to come out with “out of the box” theories (at times bordering the weird) concluded that promoting us to have kids is a conspiracy by our parents so that we realize all the suffering that our parents have gone through. While I do not agree to the conspiracy theory part, I do agree that my respect for my parents has multiplied since I became a father. Here I am struggling to handle one kid, and they managed to “successfully” bring up 4 kids, all of whom are doing relatively well in life.

Jai Ho !