Within a week, I came to know of a friend deciding to file for a divorce and another who had got one. Incidentally, the facts were significantly different in both cases. The first was someone who had had a love marriage, had known the spouse for 10 years before the marriage, had been married for ten years and had a kid. The second was an arranged marriage, 3 years post marriage and without any kid. Divorces are just cases which come out in the open. Increasingly I hear people across different walks of life and different stages cribbing that marriages are an exercise in compromises. The number of marriage related jokes one gets – especially on Whatsapp has beaten Santa Banta jokes hands down. If the saying “no smoke without a fire” is true, then clearly something is not too well with this relation- supposedly made in heaven.

Let me take a step back. There are some aspects which are true of all relationships. At some level, all relationships involve a certain degree of investment (time/energy/other resources) and some bit of compromise or the ubiquitous Indian word “adjustment”. For example, your sister is coming home for dinner while your favorite program is on TV. Given that she comes once in a while, you chose to ignore that and spend time with your sister. In the process you have also used up (I prefer the term “invested”) your time, which is quite a scarce resource these days. Similarly, for your spouse as well, you need to invest time and make compromises. However, the scale and magnitude are totally different and quite often that becomes the challenge.

What you have with your spouse is a unique relationship because of the proximity and extent of sharing. He or she (let me stick by “she” going further to avoid verbosity) literally shares your space and vice versa. Every small decision taken by her impacts you. If she prefers sleeping with a night bulb on while you prefer complete darkness or she prefers to watch TV in the bedroom or for that matter snores – each of this affects you. Given the large number of such independent events which have a bearing on both parties, there are bound to be differences. Fact of the matter is that even identical twins do not think alike. So your spouse who has typically been brought up in different settings and quite likely with differences in the value system is almost certain to have differences of opinion on a few matters – and in some cases, most of them. Then again there are things which one does together –go for a vacation (she likes luxury travel, you are a nature lover), watch a movie (she likes romantic/comedy preferably Hindi, you like action, thrillers preferably English) or eat out (she prefers Italian/ indulging, while you are a true blue desi/ diet conscious). Clearly, the number of differences in choices can be mind boggling. Also, as I mentioned, this is a continuous relation unlike discrete relations like cousins etc and it is impossible for most of us to be good all the time!

So what does this lead to – you give some, you take some. Over a period, an implicit understanding gets developed. Like in any negotiation process, each party sticks by choices on what is more important to him/her and gives away the decision making rights on things which are less important. This brings about a state of equilibrium and has been the way life has moved on for quite some time.

Post marriage, for some time, the fresher perspective (vacations are a good way to improve our knowledge of the world around us) brought in by your spouse comes across as unique, sweet and caring. Initially you try to be sweet to your partner and vice versa. However, over a period of time, the tide changes – you want to be back to your normal self (Even if they are a good way, they are way too costly! I prefer googling), and find many of her perspectives as hindrances. Unfortunately, more likely than not, she also thinks similarly about you. She finds all this caring for you and also taking into account all whims and fancies of in-laws too much.

Knowing each other for some time has a double whammy on the relationship. Firstly, it takes away the novelty value which made you more polite/sweet towards each other. Additionally, it creates a certain degree of expectation – you start expecting that your partner will understand, that they will remember all nitty gritties (you like okra cooked in a particular style) or that they will take care of your interests (but you knew I wanted to buy an Innova with the savings and not go for yet another vacation) – in some ways. Overall, a part of you starts taking your spouse for granted – possibly fair at some level too (if you cannot take your parents/spouse for granted, who else can you?)

Generally love marriages create additional difficulties for both people. For one, the level of expectations are already high – at times fairy tale types romantic – so when realities hit you, you get hurt badly. Also, your spouse expects you to defend/support her in front of other members of the family (especially your mom – leading you into a spot) failing which things get worse.

Even if all is going well or at least is manageable, more often than not, the birth of a baby is a game changer. For one, the parenting experience quite often keeps both parties so stressed out that they hardly find time for each other. Then there are differences on what works for both parties with regards to the baby (she does not mind adding the fear of ghosts to make the baby sleep, while you think this is counterproductive in the long run, or she prefers using cute and “chweet” words while for you perfection is the key to a strong foundation) leading to small but growing arguments. The beauty is that both want the best for the kid – the challenge is that both think their approach (typically guided by their past) is the best. After a point in time, the husband realizes that the wife is too busy with the baby and from being the most important person in her life, his importance has reduced significantly. Over the initial period post marriage, his wife was the social life for the husband. Now he finds himself a bit disconnected with other friends and finds it difficult to get back to the old circle (partly also because some of them have subsequently married). The wife feels she is the one who is handling bulk of the responsibility for the baby, finds the husband a bit disoriented and does not like the whole experience.

One may ask that most of what I have written was true in the past as well. So how did married couples cope with things better in the past? Life has changed significantly for all and here is how.

In spite of its love for the mother/feminine Gods, India in the past had clearly moved to a patriarchal society. As such, the husband’s (who typically would be the sole bread earner) wishes and whims got accepted, while those of the wife were compromised. This has changed with women becoming more aware about their needs and more assertive in their demands, primarily driven by education and quite often backed by being an income earner herself. So earlier while the negotiation was a one-sided affair, now it is a battle of equals.

Also, earlier life was a lot about “chalta hai”. One did not have opinions about most things and did not care beyond a point. This has changed with us having become more clear about our preferences/likes and dislikes, and more opinionated as well. As such even smallest of compromises/giving away is a big deal. What this does is that the compromises we made to get to equilibrium, keep on coming back to us – and we keep on questioning – are those compromises worth what we are getting in return?

Add to this already complicated equation is the dimension of pressures and ever growing stress affecting our lives. Whether it is jobs, daily travel or a mobile world where you keep receiving mails/messages/jokes 24*7. As such there is very little time for each other and even lesser time to reconcile each other’s differences. Instead of trying to mend things and make them work, there is a bias towards leaving them and moving to seemingly greener pastures.

All these unidirectional forces are affecting the equilibrium of this institution of marriage and making it unstable and discomforting. Here let me add, I am not against divorces and I do believe that there could be instances where two good people come together, but there are irreconcilable differences- very possible. In such cases, I would happily support people deciding part ways. My focus is on people who continue with the relationship but find themselves caged in it.

Getting into how to make it work will become too long, boring and sermonizing. All that I can submit is that investing in this relationship is probably the best thing one can do and in general, is more than worth it. A certain degree of generosity and empathy can go a long way to make it a better life for your spouse and eventually for you!

Let me draw upon a quote from Fawn Weaver (founder of the Happy Wives Club):

“The difference between an ordinary marriage and an extraordinary marriage is in giving just a little ‘extra’ every day, as often as possible, for as long as we both shall live.”

I do have one interesting and not too difficult a way out for all men- and I genuinely think this innovative idea is worthy of the Nobel peace prize. Though it may sound jocular, I seriously believe in its worthiness. For all my fellow married men, the simple solution to all marriage woes is to treat your wife as your girlfriend- and never think that you are married ! Your tolerance levels will be infinitely higher and you will feel liberated. You will end up pampering your wife, praising her and always being at your best. The challenge of course would be that nothing you do can stop your wife from asserting that SHE IS YOUR WIFE !!!

Disclaimer- Of course, all is not as bad as it comes across in the above. Given the perspective of the blog, one tended to focus more on what is not working. Thankfully, there is a lot which is still functioning fine, and one hopes and prays that it continues that ways.

Acknowledgement- I would like to thank my dear friend Indrani who helped make this messy bundle of thoughts into a coherent (and hopefully meaningful) piece.