Although Gaurav was not much of a movie lover, the prospect of seeing his alma mater on the large screen for the first time made him agree to plan to watch “2 states” along with his friends. So 4 of his friends and their spouses all joined together in a multiplex to watch the movie. He realized that the Saas Bahu drama managed to get even the multiplex crowd including his wife and the other better halves smiling. Thanks to his b-school, he had internalized the ability to analyze situations. This combined with his innate sharp observation skills ensured that soon he figured out the complexity of the whole situation. Also, he even ended up coming up with some possible solutions and back up plans- so here is what Gaurav has to share !

For a mother, her child means more than words can express. As folklore would suggest, fathers are closer to their daughters and mothers are closer to their son. So , here is a mother, who has brought up the child from birth (womb kicks and birth pain) , through infancy (relentless crying), childhood ( health issues and curious questions), preadolescence (injuries and study issues) adolescence (infatuations and distractions), early adulthood (career confusions) et al. She values the child more than her life and more often than not, is the most important person in the life of the child. However, the equation changes dramatically with the entry of the son’s (now a young man) wife- basically a simple straight line becomes a complicated triangle. The bottomline- mother in law (Saas, MIL) and daughter- in- law (Bahu, DIL) are by definition a conflicted relationship.

Overtly or subconsciously, the saas-bahu try to influence the man who quite often does not know how to handle this power struggle. Let me put in a disclaimer- things are rarely as dramatic as in Hindi television soaps. More often it is a cold war of sorts where quite often it is the man (son/husband) on whom frustrations from both sides are vented out. Given the focus of the topic, things might seem exaggerated.

The MIL quite often makes information asymmetry her weapon. She would typically know her kid’s preferences much better and use occasions to demonstrate the same. The wife on the other hand has a unique ability to influence her man using her emotional resources.

Generation gap and differences in upbringing have been eternal add-ons to the conflict. Our generation has seen a couple of added reasons to this divergence. In most cases, this is the first generation where the DILs are working. This changes her status and perspective. MILs quite often do not understand the challenges of handling corporate jobs/ careers and sometime are not appreciative of these efforts. On the other hand, DILs do not like the “nosiness” of MILs with regards to how the household is handled. Also, our generation has seen a large number of cross cultural marriages. Even if the DIL is from the same community etc, chances are high that she is not well-versed in cultural nuances. On the other hand, the MIL considers herself the custodian of culture in the family and this adds to their reason for mutual dislike. Although the birth of the next generation (grandchild/ child) brings the MIL and DIL closer physically, very likely that the differences in views on upbringing come to fore and accentuate the cold war.

The one silver lining in many cases is that the MIL and DIL stay in separate cities due to work compulsions. As such, they are together for a brief bit during the year and both parties manage to “bear” each other for this brief while.

Now you may say that stating the reasons does not help and ask- koi solution hai to batao. Unfortunately, there is no fool proof suggestion. There are a few suggestions, all of which may help. However, they all have a risk factor involved- typically short term pain followed by long term gain. Also, to all those sons/ husbands who think things can get resolved on their own- all I can say “Wishful thinking”- and as stated above, you will be the most affected party, so better to act rather than ignore.

Before moving into possible solution details, let us summarise the logic- basically both the MIL and DIL need to realize that they are respected, loved and their views are valued- not only by her son but also by her DIL/ MIL. Also, wherever there are differences of opinion, the matters are properly heard and discussed and amicably settled. Quite often, the challenge in these situations is lack of proper pre-facto communication there by each party not understanding the other’s perspective, further complicated by an ego-centric view – that you are right and the other party is wrong.

Spending time together regularly (having dinner together) especially in relatively more fun/joyous events (dining out/ movie/ travel once in a while) is a good idea. Shopping together is a great idea but many times I have known of it backfiring because of difference in tastes and approach towards money. Similarly, identifying and gifting things to each other is a great way to improve relationships. The husband can act as a catalyst in case both people do not have a natural affinity to gift things to each other- once in a while gifting things on the other person’s behalf. Husband’s also need to take a pro-active role when it comes to the culture part, by seeking guidance from their mother before any event and fronting any of these efforts.

The son/husband has a tricky role in trying to sensitize both mother/wife about each others’ challenges and perspectives. One key tip would be to always hear out the party’s perspective, praise them for their efforts and sweetness and then communicate what you need to.

Similarly, arbitration in case of differences of opinion is another complicated situation. An interesting idea which works in not very sensitive/ complicated issues is a role play- ideally the MIL and son on one side and DIL and father- in- law on the other side, and ideally a sister to judge ! This ensures both parties getting to hear each other’s perspective, a logical decision making and if handled well, can really trivialize differences of opinions.

Fundamentally, MIL has to realize that DIL is like her daughter and needs her guidance and love. On the other hand, DIL has to realise that MIL is like her mother- ready to guide and needs to be respected. Mostly it is the screen with which they see each other – the perception- that the other person is out there to hurt you that creates a lot of unnecessary conflict. If it can be changed to a more loving screen, life becomes very different. At the same time both sides need to lower their expectations from each other- especially MIL’s should not expect their DIL’s to do a lot of “seva”. Also, as mentioned in my earlier articles, each relationship involves certain give and take, some compromises.

The good news is that this relationship has improved a lot over the last few years. People’s mindset is changing positively….may the same continue !