Back in college, we were three roommates who loved a good game of chess. We were amateur players with similar calibre. While two of us played, the third would observe. What was interesting is that, most often, it was the observer who came up with the best moves. In fact, there were times when the player who was losing would swap places with the observer, who would eventually win the game. Why do you think this happened?

Presumably, it was because, when we were in the game, we were emotionally involved. We were stressed because we wanted to win, and this inhibited our flow of ideas. However, when one of us was sitting on the side and just watching the game, we were unbiased and enjoyed the ‘witness state’. We were able to think to our full potential and come up with the best ideas.

The experience is similar when it comes to helping others (as opposed to ourselves) make decisions. It is easy to be objective and logical about someone else’s problem. When it comes to ourselves, however, we unknowingly complicate issues by bundling several aspects of a decision together. Apart from becoming emotional, we also tend to think of all possible scenarios/stakeholders in one go, which confuses and clouds our judgement further. 

If this has happened to you, then you are not alone in this experience. All of us face this dilemma, to varying degrees, irrespective of how smart or intelligent we are. In fact, there is a term for this phenomenon called Solomon’s paradox, after the Jewish king who was renowned for his wisdom and sound judgement when it came to helping others, but the same was lacking in his own life.

This concept prompted psychological scientist Igor Grossmann, from the University of Waterloo, to conduct experiments in the context of relationship conflict. He came to the conclusion that people reason more wisely about other people’s social problems than their own.

Grossman established that, irrespective of age, those who distanced themselves from their own experiences were able to reason more wisely than those who were immersed in their feelings. According to him, there was no correlation between age and wisdom; we remain susceptible even with experience and grey hair.

So, how do we go about self-distancing and sound decision-making? When your mind is in a state of turmoil, self-distancing may sound like an obscure theoretical possibility; more like “gyaan”. What if I told you that the simple act of writing down your thoughts could help you achieve this? If you are able to write in third person, then it will enhance self-distancing and effective decision making. What’s more, writing is intrinsically calming. It will force you to think deeply, and this will result in greater rationality and awareness while deciding what you should do.

Writing also reduces the clutter in our minds to something more manageable. When processing things, the mind tends to club various aspects of decision making and present a more complex picture than what the reality is. Writing breaks things down and simplifies our thought process into individual aspects, which then becomes easier to address.

As a matter of general practice, most coaches encourage their coachees to write along in a session. Besides resulting in material for reflection, it has the benefits mentioned above. Within 30 minutes of her first coaching session, a coachee confided that writing down the subject matter of discussion and her thoughts had cleared her mind meaningfully. Her biggest takeaway from our session was discovering writing as a tool for decision-making, which she said would stay with her. She thanked me for this simple but potentially profound discovery.

That said, a decision is only as good as the inputs on which it is based. To arrive at a ‘thought through’ decision, the writing needs to be complete and objective. Here are some questions that can help you structure your thoughts while writing in the context of making a choice between alternatives (say, to take up a new job or not). However, they can be modified to address other situations as well.

Illustrative Questions

• Why is this decision important for you?
• Which factors of your life will get affected by the decision? (Pro tip: Repeat this question twice or thrice, as it typically leads to deeper results. In coaching parlance this is called, “What else? What else?”)
• Who are the other stakeholders and how are they affected?
• What other points would you like to consider in your decision-making process?
• Using the above questions, come up with objective criteria.
• Prioritize these criteria by arranging them in terms of their importance for you – typically in descending order. This may need some iterations.
• If possible, try and assign weights to these – this may not always be easy and tends to have a subjective element, but it does force us to clear our minds on the criteria and their importance.
• If one has the experience of using visualization tools, then try visualizing different scenarios and writing down how you feel in them (typically, visualization exercises are best done under the guidance of coaches/NLP experts to be more effective and to allow you to prod within the realms of the subconscious mind).

One practice that can help us write effortlessly and effectively is regular journaling. Not only is it known to be cathartic, but it also allows us to reflect on our thoughts, improve our daily lives, and veer in the direction that we want to follow. If you are in a state of mental agitation or emotional turmoil, then journaling what you are going through, even without any structure, helps bring calmness and some degree of clarity. You can then reflect on what you have written, and structure it better and more objectively.

Given that all of us play multiple roles and there are days we struggle to maintain a balance between them, taking the time out for journaling is a great habit. If we can link our journaling to our goals, it ensures regular focus on the same. For example, if you are focused on losing weight, journaling about what you did in this regard (exercise/sleep), and what you did not (ate calorie-rich food), ensures accountability to oneself and serves as a daily tracker of sorts.

Given their ever present nature, many people have started journaling on their mobile phones. The digital search also allows us to find past notes easily. However, some still prefer writing physically as they find it more effective. Feel free to do whatever works for you - as long as you can be consistent and gain from it.

So, when are you starting journaling and writing your way to clarity and calmness?

Additional reading